So I guess I should just begin with this: He’s perfect.

The first time I saw him, my heart fluttered and I swear a swarm of butterflies were flying around in my stomach, my brain deteriorated into nothingness and everything around me didn’t matter because it was only him I cared about; I guess you could call this love at first sight.

He has brown hair that naturally curls, and despite what he thinks it’s the most adorable thing ever. His eyes are a gorgeous shade of green. He has the best personality; he is so alive. He jokes around, is a full on gamer and is all around a nice person to know and to be with. It’s soo hard to be apart from him. He’s amazing. I’d do anything to be with him right now.

Any girl would be lucky to even know him. He’s flawless, despite his views on himself. He’s an outstanding athlete; what he does amazes me so much. His body is to die for; having that body pressed against mine is the most intimate and indulging feeling I could ever experience. I can never get enough of him.

He’s kind and gentle, and knows how to treat me right. He’s respectful and understanding. Just having his arms wrapped around me, telling me not to leave is more than enough to make those butterflies in my stomach fly around again. He thinks he’s over protective; he makes others know that no one else can have me but him, and I love that. He makes me feel wanted, needed.

He’s “The One”; The perfect boy. I will spend my entire life with him if I can; I’ll Keep him close to me forever, and never let go.

The longer I ponder about him –about us- the more I believe that truly, this is what it feels like to be in love. 

today i woke up a little shit cause, to be honest, a 5 hour sleep doesnt do much for ones usual 9 hour sleep. was at Zoes. had a really good time.

decided to go to meet Joe and i was really nervous cause they’d never met before, but everything was fine and chill and perfect

and i smell of Joe again

srsly, i hope and think Zoe likes and approves of him and vise-versa. they were talking to each other fine and it wasn’t awkward so

i think they get a long well

that makes me happy

Went to see Iron Man 3 with Joe today.

the film was really fucking good, especially the ending jfc i was ready to explode because SCIENCE BUDDIES.

but yeah, after me and Joe were outside and he took my hat so i took his and fucking hell he just grabbed me and tickled me and we kissed and oh my god i just want him forever like is that too much to ask for?!

once i got home, we walked me to my door and we were just stood there for like 5 minutes just hugging and kissing and me saying ‘i need to go in’ but then kissing him even more cause i just wanted to stay with him, i really fucking did okay. 

fuck.

when our bodies are tangled

within the warm sheets

His bare chest pressed against mine;

face distinctively bleary,

an abrupt smile playing on His lips,

a hand travelling along my back

as He tries to pull me closer 

albeit there’s no more space 

between He and I

craving that familiar sensation

of His heartbeat at one with mine 

i was at Joe’s on Friday (19/04/2012) and it was seriously the nicest thing i have ever done ever. full stop. 

i just want to lie with him forever. just when me and him are together. our skin touching, faces millimetres apart, limbs intertwined with each other as we talk about everything and anything. 

its just perfect.

Most of the time

I feel like I’m not really here.

I don’t exist.

I am imaginary.

But with you,

I feel real.

I exist in that moment.

But I’m scared that

If I ever lost you,

I would never feel real again.

I know that I shouldn’t think this way

Because you are not literally mine,

But you make me feel.

I don’t want to stop feeling.

I don’t want to go back

To that dark place again.

So please stay.

Please don’t ever leave.

I need you.

I fucking need you.

i need to learn to care

despite my lack of words

but i guess i cant really help that,

its just who i am

i try and try believe me i do

but sometimes i just cant bring myself to care

and i really do want to care,

but i’ve cared in the past

and thats just gotten me to where i am now; 

broken, useless, hopeless.

if you come to me,

i will support you all i can

but if i show no care,

or seem distant

please do not despair

because on the inside there’s a constant battle

of what to say and how to present it

and this fear i have that will never allow me

to say the things i need to say 

because my mind is screaming,

‘help them, tell them what you know’

but at the past is like a ledge

and i can never let go

because letting go means falling

and i’ve fallen before

and it left me a mess

all that pain i had to endure. 

now holding on to this ledge

is the best i can do

because in the past they used my words against me

so i will try by best

so say whats on my mind

i may jumble up my words

or not say them at all

just remember that thats what im like

i cant help that any more

i’ve learnt from my mistakes

and my mistake was being to caring

and thats just gotten me to where i am now; 

broken, useless, hopeless.

I want to sleep but i am not tired

I mean I can sleep when im dead

But the tiredness eats away at me

Slowly but surely killing me

And believe me I try

But what’s the point when I’m just left unsettled in my sheets at night?

Hoping the unconsciousness will take over my mind 

Restlessly wishing that right now id die

only because then

I could actually fucking sleep.

i told Joe have i self harmed again yesterday and i was just so fucking freaked out. i am every time i go to tell him. probably because the Voice tells me that he wont care ect but you know what, fuck the Voice i know he does care for me. loads. 

its so weird. just being with him. i dont have the same feeling as i have done with others and thats just really alien to me right now. i just dont know. 

im so used to just feeling like ‘yeah its been 2 months but i know we wont go further’ because thats what ive felt during other relationships.

its just gone over a month: i feel the complete opposite of that. i feel as thoug me and him will be together for a long time. and i scare myself thinking that cause im not used to it but i feel as though we will be. 

and i know he will be my first time for definite. 

i just know.